A well meaning rant...

Miss Nikki's guide to surviving Edinburgh in the festive season:

1. Speed up. There are some of us that can't abide walking at a snails pace without good reason and want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head. If I can walk at a reasonable pace in painfully high heels, you can do it in your ballet pumps.

2. Don't stop in the middle of the street. Or in the doorways of shops. Self explanitory. That also makes people want to punch you in the back of the head.

3. Put more clothes on. Blue is not the new black. It's neither big, nor clever, wearing hotpants in Scotland in the winter and it's your own damn fault that you're freezing. Why your parents let you out the door like that I'll never understand.

4. Move out of the way for buggies & wheelchairs. Don't stand gawping.

5. When someone says loudly "Excuse me" it doesn't mean that they want you to turn round and give them the look of death. It means they would like to get past and are being polite enough not to push you out of the way.

6. Your shopping is not important enough to take up a seat on a busy bus. Move it.

I'm not normally this blunt but the festive season affects me in strange ways...

Shame on me

I'm such a negligent blogger...I have all these fabulous ideas when I'm out and about but the minute I get home they all fly out of my head and my mind focuses on the endless task of doing the housework, which I hate by the way. I need a maid. Or a magic wand. Or to learn how to wriggle my nose like Samantha in Bewitched and have it all disappear.
Anyways, I've decided that I'm getting another tattoo - a little pin up girl on the underside of my arm. There are many reasons for wanting her, but mainly because I want to portray my inner self on my outer self.
I'm also freezing. Our boiler has packed in and the contractor can't come out til Monday. We have a little storage heater running in the living room and an electric shower so technically we aren't without heat and hot water but I'm still going to slap my landlord, I've been nagging him for nearly two years to get the thing serviced. And after looking it up the other day, our bolier is nearly 20 years old so when the contractors come out they're going to condemn it anyways - something I think my landlord was attempting to avoid by not getting it serviced I presume. What a twit.
Apologies for the fairly incoherent post...I'm not quite with it yet, stupid pills for my IBS havn't quite worn off and everything has lovely fuzzy edges...

Nikki xx

It's finally me...

9am in Edinburgh was eerily quiet for a working city. The air seemed to expect something that never came and I walked with a bounce in my step. I went to my first Jive class last night and I absolutely loved it. I believe I was grinning like an idiot throughout and throughout all the turns I couldn't help but be happy. I do believe I've found something that's finally me... :o)

Love to all!
Nikki xx

What made me laugh today...

Snippet of conversation on the bus journey home from work:

Man: "Ma ma says how about daein wan o' theam nativity weddins?"
Woman (not his wife to be from what I can gather) : "Wit dae ye mean?"
Man: "Like ge'in maerriet in a swumming pool or summit"

For those of you who don't know the accent, tune into River City sometime...

I giggled for the rest of the bus journey.

When did I sell out?

My name badge is lying wherever it landed after I threw it in a state of disgust. My uniform has been discarded. The pins holding my hair in it's regulated bun are lying on the top of my drawers and the work make up has been scrubbed off. I am currently sat in my leopard print pj's with my hair up in rollers, my red lipstick intact and I finally feel calm.

I have become a nameless face in a corporate crowd and I hate it.

Explanation:
On my way to work this morning I passed an old work mate of mine standing outside a workplace that we spent a lot of time in together and I felt a horrible pang of jealousy. I wanted to get off that bus, get into my tech clothes and join him! I miss theatre so much, a feeling that, I'm afraid, will only get worse over the coming month, being that the festival is on it's way. However, I gave up theatre as I felt that I needed the dependency of a guaranteed salary every month. I wonder if it was the wrong decision. My work mates in theatre adored the fact that I was a little bit different, not quite cool, but different enough to be interesting. They loved that I would prance up in the morning with a new hairstyle or a different make up look with my all black attire and work boots and feel comfortable in it. They loved me. My current colleagues do not love me, I'm not one of them, I'm not corporate to the bone. It's not even about the staff as a collective, I can deal with them, it's their individual attitudes that stink. They're suspicious of anything that's different, meaning they're suspicious of me. And it's not all about the people either. My current job is all about deadlines, paper work and money. All of which I find stressful. There's not a creative element in my current job, something I miss desperately.

All in all, I'm just not cut out for the corporate market and I would like a way out, if that's not too much to ask.

Huh?!

This blog finds me in somewhat of a perplexed state. I have lost weight, but gained inches! My vitals are now 41-27-41 uncorsetted (sp?) and 41-24-41 corsetted. An impressive hourglass I must say but I have enough difficulty finding clothes to fit as it is! I previously was 39-29-39, maybe the fat from my waist has relocated?! Damn physiology. And here's something that's even more of a pain, unless the dress I want has 5" of stretch in the bust, it's never going to fit me!
Damnit!

And the winner is...

Me!! I completed my second time trial today and I came in at a wonderful 12 minutes 26, I am so proud of myself! Incidently I am also knackered so I'm going to make myself a cuppa and put my feet up.

Toodles!

xXx

I'm not entirely sure what I've got myself into...

At my gym they're doing a three week challenge which I signed up for and I think I may be in slightly over my head...It started with a set circuit time trial and it will end with the same trial. The aim is to do better in the second trial than you did in the first. But, that's not the hard bit...the hard bit is that over the next three weeks I have to go at least 15 times which will absolutely kick my butt! Eep! Anyways my first time trial came in at 13mins 47 so we shall see how it goes, wish me luck!

An upsetting find...

So I'm not feeling entirely great at this precise moment in time, reasons are many-fold, but one thing in particular has upset me. I was virtually wandering through the depths of YouTube and by one path or another I found pages upon pages of videos of young girls starving themselves, glamorising severe weight loss and promoting various eating disorders. This surely can't be right?! Eating disorders are not glamorous or healthy and certainly not something that should be publicised as being so. I've battled with eating disorders since I was 14, at my lowest point I was a size 6 and weighed less than 7stone, and it wasn't pretty. At the minute I've been banned from weighing myself at the gym because I was becoming obsessive with it and I even think that Dave has hidden my tape measures...(on a tangent he's being wonderfully supportive about it all, and I'm terribly grateful) Yes I am trying to lose weight, but I am trying to do it sensibly by eating well and exercising, thankfully I don't feel the need to starve myself or purge. But yeah those videos have upset me, I just hope those girls learn, like I did, before it's too late.

In light of my recent "get fit and be happy" turn of moods I decided to sign up for race for life. Not only does it give me a reason not to get sloppy at the gym, but it also gives me that warm feeling inside that comes from knowing that I'm doing my bit for charity. I'm doing the 10K run here in Edinburgh at Holyrood Park on June 28th and I'm honestly looking forward to the challenge!

I would be terribly grateful for any sponsorship I receive, you can donate online at www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/missnikki it's completely safe and my employer is promising to match whatever I raise so please give generously!

Many, many thanks guys and girls, it means a lot!

xXx

Whilst stand the Banks of England...

I am currently sat watching Mary Poppins, wonderful Sunday afternoon viewing if you ask me, however that is not my point. Surely everyone is familiar with the "Tuppence" song, when George Banks takes his children to the bank, his workplace, and tries to get Michael to invest his tuppence in a bank account...there is a part of the song when the elder Mr Dawes (played fantastically by Dick van Dyke) exclaims loudly "Whilst the banks of England stand; England stands! When the banks of England fall; England falls!" and this struck me as almost funny considering today's financial climate. If a film that is made primarily for children could pick up on that, why on earth couldn't the government? It reaffirmed my belief in Disney.

A very quick update!

Just a quick update before I toddle off to bed. I weighed myself at the gym yesterday to find that since Jan 22 I have lost 4lbs! I am ecstatic!

Stop the world!

I want to get off! Please, for the love of God, let me get out the fast lane! Taking stock on my way to work the other day I realised that this is not where I want to be in life. I do not want to blend into a faceless, suited crowd with identical hairstyles, make-up looks and sensible shoes. I desperately want to let the glamourpuss that resides inside of me, out!
My manager, having deemed that seamed stockings, red lipstick, black eyeliner and heels over 3 inches, were unsuitable for the workplace has since banned me from wearing them with the line "Why can't you look normal?". I nearly quit on the spot. Needless to say that, 2 months in, I'm looking for another job, I can't stand to be suffocated and be told that who I am is wrong. My mother told me not to be so stupid and just deal with it, as I pointed out to her, I'm far too young to settle for second best and nor should I feel like I have to.

Hurrah!

I woke up this morning at the blissful time of 9.30 (as opposed to 6.30) knowing that I didn't have to go to work today which instantly puts me in a good mood. Further to this, as I was washing my face I noticed that I have a total of 2 visible spots, and athough my eyebrows need doing, I'm ecstatic that my skin is finally responding well to treatment and clearing up! Girls, I swear by elemis and cleansing wipes that I bought from Iceland, of all places, which I use solely to take my make up off at the end of the day, although if anyone has tips for getting off MAC Fluidline eyeliner, please pass them on, it always stays on until I shower the next morning. Gym sessions are going fantastically, they have a hulaerobics class there which I'm finding immense fun and some changes are starting to show. I still daren't weigh myself as I'm afraid I will get into a bit of a destructive routine but I'm getting there!

As a reward I fully intend to buy this dress for my birthday night out:

I adore it and I plan to buy it in a medium (waist 26, at last measurement I was a 27 waist, meaning I have already lost an inch, yeay!). I absolutely love how positive I'm feeling, and to those who have offered kind words of support, I thank you, it means a lot.

Some thoughts.

Once someone commented that I was perhaps too honest and open for my own good, maybe so, but as mentioned in a previous post, I'm not one for varying degrees of bull, I'm always going to be as straightforward as the day I was born. Which leads me to this:
I am deeply unhappy with my appearance, to the point where I looked in the mirror this morning and wanted to cry. It's no secret that for years I have battled heavily with depression and body dismorphic disorder linked with "eating disorders of a non-specific type", but this time I'm taking a different approach to treating myself (unfortunately, I find that going to see professionals is a short term, and expensive, solution and I do not want to pay for tablets that may improve my mood, but do nothing for my figure). Yesterday I went out and bought a wii with the promise that I will receive a wii fit for my birthday which is in little over 6 weeks. In the mean time I have joined the gym and invested in a rigourous skin care routine. My target weight is 10st (last weigh-in at the hospital showed me to be 11st4) and I want my waist back at a stable 25". I may even buy a hula hoop.
I will keep the updates coming...hopefully on the more positive than negative side of things though.

And a happy new year to you all...

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and a fantastic new year. I also hope that those who gave up smoking as their resolution have stuck to it thus far.

Girls, have you read this: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1103749/The-height-feminism-Or-high-heels-demean-women-sex-objects.html ? Apparently the wearing of heels is anti-feminist, demeans us and makes us little more than prostitutes...Unless, of course, you take the "for" argument and think that they're wonderful. I, personally, think heels are wonderful. And having just asked Dave, he thinks they are too. They make me feel sexy and femine. I like the fact that they bring my tiny 5ft2 stature up to a respectable 5ft5 at the very least. Not that I think being petite is always a bad thing, I just believe that a lot of people still think height = power and without height I'm kinda stuck when it comes to power. My legs look elongated and I'm instantly given better posture. Also, as a purely medical note, I suffer heavily with a condition called shin splints, as well as having high arches, I find that heels both support my arches and relieves the, sometimes crippling, pain in my shins, which is as good a reason as any to be wearing them.

Ladies, if for whatever reason you don't want to wear heels, whether you think that they demean you or are just plain uncomfortable, that's fine, but for goodness sake, don't try to make me feel bad for wearing them as refusals often offend.